If your child starts getting upset every time it's almost time to go to their other parent's house, it can be really hard to know what to do.

Maybe they get clingy. Maybe they're suddenly angry about everything. Maybe their stomach hurts, they start crying, or they insist they don't want to go. Or maybe they don't say much at all—you can just tell something changes when exchange day comes around.

As a parent, it's natural to want to fix that.

But here's something important to keep in mind: a child having a hard time with an exchange doesn't automatically mean there's something wrong with the other parent, your parenting plan, or even the child's relationship with either of you.

Sometimes switching homes is just hard.

A 2023 systematic review compared 39 studies of children's outcomes across nuclear-family, shared-physical-custody, and lone-physical-custody arrangements. The results varied across arrangements, and the authors found that the overall pattern was most consistent with differences in relational and economic resources rather than a simple one-factor explanation.1 Meta-analyses have also found associations between interparental conflict or coparenting behavior and children's emotional or behavioral difficulties.2,3

So I want to change the question a little.

Instead of asking:

“How do I get my child to stop being upset about exchanges?”

Try asking:

“What can I do to make exchanges easier for my child?”

Those are two very different goals.

Your child doesn't necessarily need you to make every uncomfortable feeling disappear. Sometimes they need to know that they can have those feelings—and that you can handle those feelings with them.

Think about how much happens during one little handoff

Adults can look at a custody exchange and think, We're just dropping her off.

But think about what your child may be doing.

They're saying goodbye to one parent while preparing to see the other. They're switching houses, routines, expectations, bedrooms, belongings, and sometimes rules.

And they're doing all of that while potentially paying very close attention to the adults.

Is Mom mad?

Is Dad upset that I'm leaving?

Am I supposed to be excited?

Will Mom be sad if I'm happy to see Dad?

Should I hug Dad in front of Mom?

That's a lot for a kid to carry through what may only be a five-minute handoff.

Research on coparenting gives us another piece of the picture. A meta-analysis involving more than 41,000 participants found associations between coparenting behavior and children's emotional and behavioral difficulties. Conflict, competition, and triangulation within the coparenting relationship were among the factors associated with those outcomes.3 A systematic research synthesis also found that constructive interparental conflict was associated with fewer negative outcomes and with positive indicators including greater emotional security and better social problem-solving skills, although many associations were influenced by other factors.4

That doesn't mean parental conflict is the explanation every time a child struggles with an exchange.

It does mean we should pay attention to what the exchange feels like from the child's side of the car door.

Before the exchange: make things predictable

You don't need to spend the whole day preparing your child to leave.

In fact, sometimes the simplest approach is the better one.

Your child may just need to know what's happening next.

You might say:

“After school, I'll pick you up. We'll grab your bag, and then we'll meet Dad at the usual place.”

Or:

“You're going to Mom's tonight. Your stuffed animal is already packed.”

And if your child is getting anxious:

“You don't have to decide how you feel about going right now. We'll just take it one step at a time.”

Notice what we're not doing.

We're not saying, “There's nothing to be upset about.”

We're not trying to sell the child on how much fun they're going to have.

And we're not spending three hours asking, “Are you okay? Are you sure you're okay? What's wrong?”

We're simply letting them know: I know what's happening. You know what's happening. We've got this.

You can also try keeping the last hour before the exchange pretty ordinary. Finish homework. Have a snack. Find the shoes that somehow disappeared again. Pack the favorite stuffed animal.

The exchange doesn't have to become the emotional centerpiece of the entire day.

During the exchange: boring can be wonderful

If there's one place where boring is underrated, it's a custody exchange.

Your child shouldn't have to figure out the emotional temperature between the adults before deciding whether it's safe to get out of the car.

Research has found associations between interparental conflict or coparenting quality and children's emotional or behavioral adjustment.2,3,4

So when possible, make the handoff uneventful.

A quick hello.

A quick goodbye.

A simple, “Have a good time. I love you. I'll see you Tuesday.”

And then let them go.

If there's a disagreement about the schedule, that's an adult conversation for another time.

If you're frustrated because the other parent forgot something, try not to make your child the messenger.

And if your child runs happily toward the other parent?

Let them.

You might remind yourself that their excitement about seeing the other parent doesn't have to mean they're rejecting you.

Likewise, if they cry when they're leaving you, you don't necessarily need to interpret that as evidence that something terrible is happening at the other house.

Sometimes goodbye is just hard.

After the exchange: don't turn into a detective

When your child comes back, you may really want to know what happened.

That's understandable—especially if you've been worried about how they're doing.

But try giving them a little room first.

Some kids come through the door talking.

Other kids may want a snack, a shower, their dog, their bedroom, a television show, or some quiet time before they're ready to interact much.

You might simply say:

“I'm glad you're home.”

Or:

“You don't have to tell me everything right now.”

Later, you can try:

“Was there anything hard about the switch today?”

Or:

“Do you want to talk about anything, or are you good for now?”

And one of my favorites:

“It's okay to miss the other house while you're here.”

I like that sentence because it gives the child room to care about people in both places without asking them to explain or defend it.

Try not to turn every comment into an investigation unless you have a genuine reason to be concerned about safety.

If your child says:

“I hate going back and forth.”

Stay curious before deciding what that sentence means.

They may be saying, I hate Dad's house.

They may be saying, I hate Mom's house.

But they may also simply be saying:

I hate packing.

I hate leaving.

I hate changing routines.

I wish everybody still lived in one place.

Those possibilities call for very different conversations.

Look for patterns instead of reacting to one bad exchange

One terrible Tuesday doesn't necessarily tell you very much.

If I were trying to understand what was happening, I'd pay more attention to the pattern across exchanges than to one difficult day.

If you're concerned, you might privately keep track of what you're noticing around exchanges.

Is your child having trouble sleeping?

Are the stomachaches showing up every exchange day?

Are they crying beforehand but settling quickly afterward?

Are things getting easier over time?

Or are you seeing more and more distress?

The point isn't to collect evidence against the other parent.

The point is to slow yourself down enough to see what's actually happening with your child instead of trying to interpret every difficult moment as it happens.

If the distress starts significantly interfering with school, sleep, relationships, everyday functioning, or your child's ability to transition between homes, that's when I'd consider talking with a qualified child mental-health professional.

The goal shouldn't be to find someone who will decide which parent is right.

The goal is to have someone help understand what your child is experiencing.

Your child doesn't need to choose an emotional team

Research on children after separation doesn't give us a simple formula where one custody arrangement automatically produces emotionally healthy children and another automatically produces unhappy ones. A systematic review of post-separation living arrangements found differences in children's outcomes while also finding that relational and economic resources were important to understanding the pattern of results.1

And that's actually useful for parents.

Because there are things you can't control.

You may not be able to control the other parent's behavior.

You may not be able to change the custody schedule.

You certainly can't control every feeling your child has about moving between homes.

But you can pay attention to what happens in your part of the exchange.

You can make things predictable.

You can keep your child out of adult disagreements.

You can give them permission to miss the other parent.

You can let them be happy to see the other parent without making them worry about hurting you.

And you can listen when they tell you something is hard without immediately deciding what their feelings must mean.

Try making room for more than one feeling at the same time: a child might hate switching houses and still love both parents; they might cry at goodbye and later enjoy the weekend; they might miss one parent while spending time with the other.

They don't need you to make those feelings fit neatly into one emotional team.

And maybe one of the most important things you can tell them is:

“You don't have to take care of the adults. You get to be a kid in both homes.”